I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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