so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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