dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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