you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
