I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
