I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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