I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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