Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
