awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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