so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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