He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
