in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
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Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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