fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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