Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
