If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
