Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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