So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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