He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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