She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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