So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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