The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
