Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
