I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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