What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
