New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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