It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
