If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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