It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
