you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
