Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
