Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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