you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
