my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she smelled like a LAN party
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
