I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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