If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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