I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
