So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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