so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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