Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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