You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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