i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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