I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
