I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
