He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
