I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
