Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
