but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
