I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
