i just identified you from a description of your pipe
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
