i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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