Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
