Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
