why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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