this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
