We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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