i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
