also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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