dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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