Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
