I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
