I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
